


Hard Times

by sweaterwearinlesbian



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: Almost fix-it, But Light still loves him, But he cracked because he's gay af for L, But hey at least there's a Mello & Light friendship (kinda), I Tried, I made Souichirou a terrible parent, Internalized Homophobia, It's not all happy, L is an asshole, Light played the piano, Light was Kira, M/M, Misa was released for reasons, References to Depression, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sorry but he felt like one of those dads who just can't let something happen unless he controls it, Suicide mention, he hates himself, it's fine, light is an asshole, not really lmao, sorry in advance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2018-11-22 00:23:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11368725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweaterwearinlesbian/pseuds/sweaterwearinlesbian
Summary: Light gave up being Kira, hoping beyond hope that L would just kill him. The UN decided differently. Afraid of Kira's power in apparent telepathy, they give L the right to keep him under house arrest. L takes advantage of this and has Light working with him as a detective and equal, replacing the aging Watari. When a case leads them to LA, Light is forced to deal with his feelings about himself, L and Kira.





	1. Deal With It

Light had confessed. There was no way that he should have survived and yet here he was, working side by side with L for the rest of his life. Well, really the rest of L’s life, it was extremely likely that L would die before Light. The leaders of the world feared Kira, and since L neglected to mention the Shinigami fearing that the leaders wouldn’t take L seriously, L and Light gave a false testimony. They claimed that Light had telepathic powers, which were proved by L writing a name down in the notebook while Light pretended to kill them with his mind. The gullible fools fell for it, and L got what he wanted; an upgrade for the aging Watari. While L loved the man dearly, he was getting older and Watari would have to retire sooner or later. So, Light got his life and L got a new partner. 

That was how Light, a 24-year-old man, was stuck sharing a room with L, a newly 31-year-old man. They didn’t share a bed anymore, but they shared a room. It would be domestic and nice if it weren’t for the successors. Mello was a ball of rage at 15 and a smothering star at 20. His rage was much more subtle now, and he had made his peace with whatever made him hate Near. Light and Mello had come to a sort of agreement; if there was anything that either of them needed to say, they would go to the other. As it was now, Mello had come to Light. 

“Hey, L could you give us a moment alone?” L nodded and shuffled out of the room. L trusted Light with other people at this point so he made no complaint. 

“What is it, Mello?” Mello sat on L’s bed, facing Light’s. 

“How… how can you tell if you love someone?” Light almost laughed in his face, but he knew that would get him nowhere with Mello, and they were just starting to get along well. 

“It’s difficult to say because it’s different for everyone. For me… well for me it was ever since I was a kid. I got this swell in my chest, right here,” Light put his hand over his heart and smiled. “And then, it just kinda spread. It was weird but also kinda nice, because it reminded me that I wasn’t all monster… especially recently. Even if I don’t remember being Kira, L has that confession tape, so I know it was me. I wouldn’t cry like that in front of anyone but L.” 

“When did you realize you were in love with L?” Light froze, his eyes widening and smile freezing. 

“I… well I can’t lie to you. I’ve taken a vow-" Light mockingly put his hand over his heart, "And, like I said, it was when I was a child. L was this… figure that my father worked with and he was this perfect image to me, perfect and absolute in his justice. It started out innocent but then adolescence hit and well… you don’t want to hear an old man talk about that.” Mello scoffed. 

“You’re hardly older than I am. Besides, I think I get it, so you don’t need to bother with it. I’m just kinda stuck… based on your description I have very… intense feelings for both Matt and Near. It’s so confusing… I mean, what kind of sick freak loves two people at once? That’s so problematic and not Catholic! I’d have to do a damn confession out of guilt if I ever acted unfaithfully and I don’t want to admit to my priest that I’m gay AND in love with two different men. The whole mafia wishes thing? Totally easy as hell compared to that. Being gay is the ultimate Catholic sin. Dear Lord forgive me for taking your name in vain, but I fucking swear to God I’m stuck in a rock and a hard place.” 

“Mello, I know you’re upset but the expression is between a rock and a hard place. I know English is hard when you’re emotional first hand.” Mello shrugged as if it didn’t matter to him at all. 

“Light, you’re such an ass I literally have no idea what L sees in you.” Light laughed; clearly, they were in the eye of the storm. 

“It must be my charming good looks and my god complex. Maybe the narcissism, oh, no, it must be the life-destroying crush!” Here, Mello stopped laughing. 

“What do you mean life destroying?” 

“I had a good thing going as Kira. Misa was so sweet to me, I was mentally a god, you know all that normal teen stuff. Well when I made the video confessing to L, I proved that I was actually Light by sharing my deepest secret with myself. I made sure that L would trust in me for that part of the video. He said that he didn’t watch it. My deepest ‘secret’ in that video was the fact that I was in love with L. If he watched it, he knows and isn’t interested. If he isn’t, I’ve damned myself to forever be here, with him, with zero chance of him loving me back. I killed people for fuck’s sake! I don’t deserve him, I don’t deserve his love or even the life he’s given me.”

“Psh quit moping old man. There’s totally a chance that he is interested in you. After all, he still… nevermind, it isn’t my place to say.” Light rolled his eyes and gave him a dead-eyed stare. 

“You can’t bring it up and not tell me; that’s not how these get-along sessions work! Besides, it’s not like I’m going to bring it up with him, that’s not my place like I said.” Mello huffed and pushed his hair out of his eyes.

“Fine, but if he asks you didn’t hear it from me. Blame Near or that shinigami or something. Basically, the first batch of successors went really wrong. A killed himself and to this day L blames himself, or at least I think he does. But B, he seemed fine. He was upset at A’s death and didn’t seem the same after it. B had always been odd, always claiming that he could see the days that people were going to die. I never really believed him, but I guess his death day for A was right which was really creepy and weird. Anyways, he and L were the closest in age of all of us, and B wanted to be better than L, in every way. The thing was since he and L were so close as kids, L had a massive crush on him; they had to be about 19 or 20 by this time. B never felt anything towards L like that and it became sort of a game for him; play with L’s emotions until he breaks. Eventually, B left the manor. At some point, he got to LA and killed three people in some sort of psychotic break. L sent Naomi Misora on the case and she eventually figured out that B, posing as some guy named Rue Ryuzaki, was the one killing the people. Then, in an attempt to make a perfect crime and thus beat L, B tried to kill himself by setting himself on fire. Naomi stopped him and B lived. He got life in prison and Naomi retired to settle down and get married. L learned caipora because of her and maybe had an admiration crush on her? I don’t know, I just got to Wammy’s after the LABB events. L told me the story to make sure I didn’t become B.” Light sat quietly, taking it in. L was in love with a messed up killer he grew up with? 

“You should talk to Matt first. He will be the most understanding about your situation, and I think you should do some online research into sexualities and things about loving multiple people at once.” Mello blinked at the obvious dismissal but shook it off. Five years ago he would’ve demanded that Light explain himself, but now he respected Light’s boundaries. It was almost trust, but they both knew what the other was capable of. It was hard to stay mad at someone you knew could kill you if they wanted to. 

“I’ll take your advice. You should talk to L too. Hedge around it; if you’re too obvious he’ll think you’re joking but if not then he’ll think he’s reading the signs wrong.” Light rolled his eyes. 

“Get out of here kid. Have fun with your crisis.” Light walked Mello out and found L sitting a little way down the hall with a fresh plate of strawberry cake. 

“Ah, Light-kun. I was beginning to worry that you two had fallen asleep. I noticed you yawning earlier; don’t deny it!” Light rolled his eyes. Other than the recent scoliosis surgery, L hadn’t changed at all in the past five years. L could now sit normally without his back groaning in protest, but he still chose to sit like the goofball genius he was. Mello clapped Light on the back, their height difference apparent in this setting. It hardly mattered when they sat since Light was all leg, but now Light stood a solid eight centimeters above Mello. 

“Good luck Light; you’re going to need it to get through his stupid emotional barrier.” Light smiled good naturedly. 

“Fuck you, Mello.” Mello waved without looking back and left. 

“What was Mello referring to?” Light shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s just some gross emotional stuff you don’t care about.” L seemed to pout. Imagine, a 31-year-old man with the literal weight of the world on his shoulders pouting. 

“You don’t have to go to Mello for emotional stuff you know. I’m not a heartless bastard like you two seem to think I am.” Light laughed. 

“I know. Mello and I have a good system. Tolerate each other via knowing each other’s deepest secrets. In our first session where we weren’t trying to kill each other, he told me his real name. I told him how I want to die. It’s a pretty easy exchange and it helps us understand each other in the worst of times. You can’t even complain frogger! You started this whole thing for bonding anyway.” L huffed and bit his thumb. 

“I just wanted them to get to know you!” Light rolled his eyes, almost forgiving his jealous little detective. “What does Matt do when Mello runs off to you?” Light shrugged. 

“The hell if I know L, he doesn’t talk to anyone but Mello and Near anymore.” L looked as if he was going to speak, but there was a ping from their L computer. “Well, it looks like we have a case. Detective?” He extended his arm towards L mock ball style. 

“Watari.” L took his extended arm with a small smile. They sat in front of the computer and read the case file. “Well, it would seem that there was a mass breakout in LA and they want me to solve who let them out. It appears that several maximum security prisoners were released and someone on the inside had to have let them out. Interesting, but what’s in it for L, hm? Ah, it would appear that there’s mass chaos in America now, and the government is sponsoring me finding the perpetrator. Six million if I find out who did it, twenty if I catch all the criminals who escaped as well.” Light scrolled down. 

“They gave us a list of all the criminals who escaped. Oh, my god, there are over fifteen thousand inmates who were able to escape. No wonder the US is in a panic; if even half of these don’t get caught California would be fucking screwed, especially if they were all maximum security.” 

“There’s no need to swear Watari-kun. I need to check something.” L did a quick ctrl-f and searched ‘Birthday’. “We’re taking this case.” Light got a quick look at the screen before it was shut, and what he saw chilled him. It was a man, with the name Beyond Birthday. He looked almost exactly like L only his eyes were a familiar glowing red. 

L and Light took L’s jet to Los Angeles and arrived three days after the breakout. Normally crowded streets made the city look like a ghost town. People were avoiding going outside in fear of being another statistic, another victim. L and Light made their way to their hotel in disguises. Light did L's makeup so he didn’t look like a walking corpse, and made sure that L was dressed like a typical millennial. Light himself was dressed stately, a smart dress shirt and fresh-pressed khakis, not unlike how he dressed as a student. His tie was a deep blue, an obvious change to his previous attire. Even so, Light missed his soft cashmere sweaters and stretchy jeans with their color and soft fabric. L had gotten him a maroon sweater for his birthday the year before and Light wore it whenever it was clean. Light adored it because of the material and how it made him feel, well, at home. He didn’t really miss his family, but he did miss the feeling of belonging that came with having someplace steady to call his home. Now, he had L and their jet and their constant traveling. As Watari, Light did visit insane places he never even dreamed of visiting. 

Their suite was the penthouse and as soon as he was in, L started sweeping the place for bugs and wiretaps. He didn’t change his stance and casual way until he was a 100% certain that the place was clean. Then, he immediately shifted back into his typical stance, hopping on the couch and sitting in his odd, odd way. “God Rue, I have no idea how you do that.” Now knowing that L stole the name from his ex-love made Light feel uncomfortable but he was under strict orders and god knows he didn’t want to disobey L. 

“I’ve been doing it all my life; of course, it does hurt my back after the surgery, but if I quit sitting like this my deductive reasoning would go down by 40% and we certainly don’t want that.” Light smirked.

“You’d still have me!” 

“What a comfort you are Watari-kun.” L smiled and settled into the couch crouch, as Near dubbed it. “I only wish your optimism was always apparent.” Light rolled his eyes. 

“I only meant that I’m as smart as you Rue. Don’t go painting me a saint.” L full on grinned that time. 

“Oh? I thought you already thought yourself a god?” Light winced.

“Low blow Rue, low blow.” L let the subject drop. “Now, about the case, we need to assess who is the most dangerous, because I’m assuming that the inmates will at least be aware of who let them out and can point us in the right direction with the right motivation. The question is how we’re going to find out the locations of fifteen thousand maximum security inmates who just got released from prison.” 

“Well, we should go down the list and assess which inmates were a part of organization’s and work from there. Lone wolves will be more difficult to catch because of their ingrained survival instincts and tendency to rely on themselves. Those who are a part of a pack will be easy to herd, almost as if they’re fish being put into a net.” Light raised an eyebrow. 

“I’m sure that many of them are a part of the mob. Do we really want to ignite a mob war? Mello said that they take offense really easy and if you kill one of theirs, they go after you personally.” 

“I’d like to see them try. I have you and my capoeira skills, and Mello. The three of those combine could kill the whole world if they really wanted to.” 

“You know I don’t do that anymore. Besides, Mello is more likely to fight for Matt, or Near, or even me before you. So really it would be you against the mob you dumbass.” L grinned. 

“I like my odds.” Light rolled his eyes, feeling the little itch of irritation that came with L mentioning Kira. 

“Regardless, we need to be careful how we approach this. If the mob gets wind of L on their tail they’ll book it out of town, and then we won’t be able to get the extra fourteen million dollars towards the house. Matt needs to update his equipment and Mello wants a stealth weapons update, not to mention how often Near loses his stim toys.” L nodded. 

“It wouldn’t be the end of the world to use Kira again… but of course, I don’t want to risk you like that Mr. Criminal.” Light froze and then felt anger infuse every part of his being, even that little part that wanted to be the all-powerful god Kira again.

“You fucker. Say that to my face; you want the mass-murderer? I’ll give you the mass-murderer.” Light lunged at L and slammed his right hook into L’s upper jaw. L skidded backward and spit out a hunk of blood into the trash can. 

“I don’t want the mass-murderer Watari, but I do want these people captured. However, you know my policy.” L stepped forward with a swift leg kick, but Light was expecting it and grabbed his ankle and they crashed to the ground in a heap. Light delivered a palm-to-nose hit and stood up. L followed, and kicked Light in the eye and bridge of his nose. Light heard something crack and suddenly there was a lot of blood coming from his face. His eye felt almost immediately swollen, and Light took that as a sign of a black eye, and the day before Watari had to meet with the LAPD too! He let his guard down for too long; L delivered a solid elbow to the stomach and Light was on the floor gasping for air. “We’re even now Watari-kun. Get up.” Just to spite him further, Light stayed on the ground. 

“I was hoping that we wouldn’t have this issue this time Rue. I was so certain that we were finally getting along.” Light wiped his face and winced when he saw blood on his sleeve. “You got blood on my shirt you bastard.” Then, he lay spread eagle and started to laugh. He felt like a maniac, like he really was Kira, laughing as if he was still the madman from before. Suddenly, L loomed over him, crouching like some sort of creature about to attack. Light felt his heartbeat pick up and he stared into L’s eyes. 

“Get up Watari-kun. We need to clean ourselves up.” Light stands and tried to ignore his pounding heart. Pull yourself together Light, don’t be so fucking stupid all the time. L seemed to guess his thought. “We fight for our own reasons Watari. Even if they don’t make sense after they occur, they made sense in the past.” Light huffed. 

“Whatever Ryuzaki, I don’t have time for your Confucius bullshit today. I have to prepare my presentation of our acceptance of the case to the LAPD.” L huffed and curled up on the couch. 

“You should listen to your elders Watari-kun.” 

“Psh, you might be older than me but I clearly have the most accumulated wisdom.” L rolled his eyes. “Don’t mock me young man! I’ll beat your ass.” L grinned.

“You wish. Put on some music, I need to clear my head.” Light grinned and put on Pas de Cheval. 

“Why are you like this. I said music, not this narcissistic shit you listen to.” Light laughed and flipped it to Mozart. “Thank you. Good, classical music, not that awful punk garbage you listen to.” 

“Please stop insulting the least emo band I listen to.” 

“Liar, you listen to my music, so it isn’t the least emo.” L turned back to the computer. “Check, your move Watari-kun.” 

“At least I have a healthy lifestyle and listen to music that is less than a hundred years old.” Light left to go make some tea and a call.


	2. Rock n Roll Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little awkward-sexual at the beginning and a few words shorter than the last! I hope you enjoy the new developments & Mello being more mature than both L and Light.

As Light filled the kettle, he dialed Mello’s number. Setting the kettle on the burner, Light put the phone up to his ear. Mello answered shortly before it would’ve gone to voicemail. “What the hell do you want? I’m in the middle of something.” Light heard something crack and Mello let out a low swear. “If it isn’t important then call later. Matt just broke his PS3, someone is going to die.” 

“Doesn’t he still have literally every other console left though?” Mello huffed. 

“Obviously, but he was working on something on this one and now he’s pissed. What do you need Kira, make it damn quick.” 

“Rue stood above of me like he was going to kill me and I almost got a boner what do I do.” Light and Mello just breathed at each other for a moment before Mello started screeching. 

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU ALMOST GOT A BONER? WHAT THE FUCK LIGHT I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THAT! L IS MY DAMN MENTOR I DON’T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE!”

“Mello, I said almost. Besides, it’s not like he knew that’s where my mind was going; he’s not a damn mind reader.” Mello muttered something Light purposely ignored.

“You need to tell him, but for the love of Mary, do it after the damn case. Don’t distract him now, just leave it be.”

“He also said that he wanted to use Kira to catch our guy.” 

“Fuck. Fucking shit, that’s a damn bad move. Let me guess, that’s why you two were fighting? Fucking predictable little shits.” 

“Mello I didn’t ask you to yell at me, what the hell should I do?” 

“I told you, you have to tell him after the case, and if you can, put me on with him so I can yell at him about even just bringing up Kira. We all know you hate that.” Light glanced over at L. 

 

“I’m putting you on with him, you damn hypocrite. Rue, Mello wants to yell at you.” L hummed and reached behind himself for the phone. Light grinned and waited for the grimace that came with Mello’s screeching but one didn’t come. Confused, Light strained his ears trying to listen and see if L was being given a stern talking to. Nothing. Light scowled and waited for L to hand back the phone. 

“Don’t worry about it Mello, I have it under control. Yes, I promise. No, it won’t happen again. Goodbye.” L hung up and handed the phone back to Light. “Don’t worry, he gave me the talking to you wanted.” Light scowled. 

“He didn’t yell.” 

“He doesn’t need to. I listen to what everyone has to say. Even you Watari-kun.” L offered a little smile as consolation for Light getting yelled at. “I know you do, listen that is, but you don’t act like it half the time. It annoys Mello to no end.” 

“Right, and you’re Marilyn Monroe. Mello would let his displeasure be known if he felt like I was ignoring him. I bet it’s because you’re his mentor right? He doesn’t want to piss you off, even now that you’re equals.” Light felt the tiny mass-murderer part of him swirl up, and spat out angry words; “It’s pathetic how subservient those children act towards you. You’re lucky you have me to give you a reality check once in awhile.” Light spun on his heel and locked the bathroom door behind him. 

Huffing in contain rage, Light flipped the dial of the shower water to his personal favorite setting; almost as hot as it could go. Waiting for it to heat up, Light stared at himself in the mirror. He raised his shirt and poked at the bruise forming on his stomach. Wincing, he checked out his eye. It wasn’t as bad as he had previously thought; Light would be able to cover it with some concealer tomorrow. The nose would be fine too; it wasn’t broken, to say the least. Light had almost forgotten about the blood on his face, but now, in the mirror, he had to look at it. Steam began to curl around his reflection and Light stripped. He stepped in the scalding water and only winced a little when it hit his back. For a brief moment, Light missed the House, with its sweet 46 degrees Celsius water. Then, he remembered that if he was at the House, he wouldn’t be allowed to lock the door, or not speak to Mello, or L, or anyone really. Here, he could pretend to be busy to avoid L, and just ignore all the calls with a simple text ‘sorry, rly busy w the case’. Light washed out the shampoo he didn’t remember putting in his hair and started scrubbing his body, taking extra care to get the blood off his face.

Somehow, Light’s mind wandered back to the incident earlier. L standing over him, looking so divine, so elegant, so lethal… Light sighed and tilted his head back against the shower wall. Well, at least I got a boner in the shower and not in front of him. I’m so disgusting. Look at me, a former murderer with a fucking hard-on for the guy who put me under house arrest for the rest of my life. I should’ve died when I had the chance. Light stood under the shower, contemplating what to do. If I leave it, then chances are I’ll have a bad case of morning wood tomorrow, but if I get rid of it I’ll be disgusted with myself for the rest of today. With a sigh, Light shoved his left fist in his mouth and curled his right hand around his dick. Light would then pretend he wasn’t thinking about L and his mesmerizing eyes, or his quick wit, or his beautiful laugh. He would tell himself that he was thinking about Misa, and her pink lips and soft hair, but no amount of pretending could prevent what Light already knew; L invades every thought he has. 

Light finished his shower in a grand total of twenty-seven minutes. It was a miracle in and of itself that L hadn’t broken down the door trying to get Light’s opinion on something like Light hadn’t just insulted everything L stood for. Light realized he made a serious error when he reached to get to his pajamas (LA was eight hours behind England, and Light was tired as shit, despite L insisting that they should stay up to fight the jetlag); Light had not brought his pajamas with him, nor had he safely hid them from the steam in the linen closet. In fact, all he had was his bloody outfit from earlier. It would be hell to put on now; it was steamy and slightly wet from Light carelessly leaving his entire fucking outfit on the floor. There was no way he was getting this on without a ten-minute struggle, and then L mocking him for wearing dirty clothes. Peeking his head out the door, Light saw that L was nowhere to be found. The bedroom was across the entire suite. Light would have to make a break for it and hope beyond hope that L was in the kitchen, not the bedroom. Light dried his feet as best he could, and secured a towel around his hair and his waist. He scooped his grossly wet outfit under his arm and opened the door to the short hall that the bathroom was down. 

Light stepped as calmly as possible into the hallway and made his way through the sitting room. So far, no L. Heaving a sigh of relief, Light shut the bedroom door behind him. L must’ve been in the kitchen. As he turned to face the nightstand where Light had unloaded all their clothes, Light screeched. L was standing in the corner of their room with his eyes trained on Light. “What the FUCK Rue? What in the actual fuck are you doing?” L bit nervously into his thumb. 

“I wanted to apologize to Watari-kun, but I knew he would avoid me. I am sorry for bringing up Kira, who you so clearly want to leave behind. It was unfair of me, and I apologize for it. It is understandable that Watari-kun got upset and hit me.” Light blinked in confusion. L stepped closer to Light and Light did his best not to freak out. “I did not mean to hurt you. I have some bruise cream if you would like it? It helps with swelling too.” Light nodded, whatever words he wanted to say stuck in his throat. L moved away and pulled the cream out of his bedside drawer. 

Light finally spoke. “I don’t like fighting with you Rue.” L nodded.

“I know Watari-kun. Hold still, I’m going to put his on.” Light froze as L’s nimble fingers spread the cream across his stomach and then his nose. “I’m not going to put any on your eye in case you get it in your eye. I trust you can cover it tomorrow?” Light nodded, breathless and suddenly very aware that he was just in a towel. 

“Rue, I’m going to get into my pajamas now.” L nodded and left, hands in his pockets and his head bowed. Light was reminded of how he looked before his scoliosis surgery and nearly burst out laughing in hysterics. L was actually going to be the death of him.

Light changed as quickly as possible into his blue, striped pajama pants and grey sleep shirt. After all these years, Light had given up on caring what L thought of his outfits and wore what he wanted to. And now, that meant the most comfortable outfit he owned. Light padded into the living room and found L typing away at the L laptop. “Ah, Watari-kun. I’ve just been reviewing the security footage from the day of the breakout. You might find this interesting.” Light sat down next to L and peered at the laptop. “Look. In this image, there is an apple on the table. In the next frame, less than a millisecond apart, the apple is gone. No trace of it in the trash after being knocked off from this camera angle-” L flipped to another camera and then to one showing the two guards in the break room, “and there is no possible way a human could eat an apple that quickly. I’m wondering if Ryuk has given his death note to another human.”


	3. Fears & Dreams Go Hand In Hand

Light would’ve spat out his drink if he had one. “You mean the Shinigami? But why would they break out prisoners? Even if they didn’t support him during that whole affair, it would be extremely dangerous to let out thousands of maximum security prisoners.” 

“I never said that the person who let out the prisoners was the same owner of the death note, but it is highly plausible. Now, if we check the logs for the people who visited the prison on that same day, one name sticks out to us.” Light looked and wanted to strangle someone. 

“Misa. Of course. What on earth is she doing in LA? She has to know how suspicious this makes her look. Who was she visiting?” L shook his head.   
“The records don’t say. We’d have to scan all of the footage to find her and then what path she took. Luckily, thanks to Matt, we have software that can do it for us now. We’ll still have to double check and make sure it got all the footage with her on it, but this will make the process days shorter.” L hastily typed in the source code needed to get the program up and running. Then, he took one of the case file photos of Misa and plugged it into the system. The system raced through the footage in less than twenty minutes. “This would probably be faster if Matt used legal systems, but those don’t let you remain anonymous.” Light nodded, and they found over thirty cameras had caught Misa on tape. Sixteen of them were in the maximum security area. 

“This is so suspicious, especially given the apple situation.” L nodded. 

“I would not like to run into a situation in which I would have to convict Misa. She clearly had an immensely powerful being helping her if she was able to cow Kira into accepting her proposal of romantic relations.” Light rolled his eyes, annoyed with how calmly L was talking about it. 

“If Misa had her way, you’d be dead and I’d be married to someone I loathe.” L blinked.

“What do you mean Watari-kun? I clearly would have bested Kira.” Light shook his head with a bitter laugh. 

“You’re wrong. The shinigami remember? It was able to cow him, it could’ve easily killed you if I figured out the shinigami’s weakness and exploited it.” L paused, clearly not having even considered dying. 

“I really don’t know what to say to that Watari-kun.” Light wanted desperately to escape the situation. 

“I’m going to bed. I know it’s only nine, but I’m going to have to get up early for the LAPD briefing tomorrow morning, and you’re an exhausting person Rue.” L nodded. 

“I shall see you in the morning Watari-kun. I trust that you will make some coffee when you get up? I don’t think I’m sleeping tonight.” Light nodded and all but threw himself on his bed. It was soft, softer than Light likes, but he supposed it would be perfect for L and his terrible habits. Luring L to sleep was like trying to get a small child to eat their vegetables. It was impossible to get L to eat healthily, so really the only comparison Light had to this was Sayu refusing to eat anything but rice and meat for nearly a year. Light chuckled, thinking of his sister, living in ignorance that her beloved older brother was Kira. Light wondered if his father was trying to get him disowned. After all, Souichirou was so certain that Light wasn’t Kira, wasn’t a monster, but he was very wrong. 

To this day, it hurt Light to think about his mother and his sister. Before he was Kira, Light’s relationship with his father was purely based on pride and admiration, a combination which drew out the best and the worst in Light as he grew up. As Light lay in bed, he remembered all the times he had stayed up way too late, anxious about some test, or some activity he had signed up for. He remembered the panic he felt the first time he wasn’t perfect at something, the first time he had failed to be the perfect child. 

Light was ten and had just decided to play the piano, buying an electric one with the money gifted to him on his birthday. He pulled out some books on the piano that his mother had saved from before she was married, and tried to play them. He was awful. He didn’t have any guide to the keys and their placements, or what they meant, or how the notes were supposed to be played. Light nearly cried, his pretty little eyes filling with tears. But no, he was determined to do this. He flipped through all of the piano books until he found the beginners one, with finger placements and key names and things. It was perfect, but Light barely paid it any mind. He took masking tape out of his sister’s craft drawer and labeled all the keys with note names, and wrote the names of the notes into his music so he would remember. Satisfied that he had the ideal setup, he took the first song slowly. Bit by bit, Light learned to play the piano. He began to practice more than he studied, working on harder and harder songs. By the time he was eleven, he had outgrown the books his mother let him use, and started playing piano pieces by the greats. 

Then, his grades started slipping. The once perfect grades slipped into less than perfect; still at the head of his class, but not nearly good enough to earn his parents praise. In fact, his father sat him down and they discussed his grades. Light assured him that they were still good, while Souichirou insisted that he could jeopardize his chances of getting into a good high school if they slipped further. Light got angry; what did it matter if they weren’t perfect? He was still the top of his class, and he was still good at all his classes! That was the first and last fight Light ever had with his father. Even when Souichirou found out Light was Kira, he didn’t fuss as much. God Light what is wrong with you? Obviously, he doesn’t care about you! It’s all your image in his life. He wants to look like a good parent by having the smartest kid in Japan; he got that! So, you do some killings and it looks like it’s your own fault (which it is), and he looks like a parent who didn’t do any wrong. Light’s father encouraged Light to sell his piano. Light did, after months of subtle hints and jabs about his ‘silly little hobby’. 

Light sold his piano weeks before he turned twelve, and cried about it that night. 

Twenty-four-year-old Light was just now realizing how fucked up that whole thing was. Playing piano wasn't problematic, it was a hobby that a ten-year-old taught himself. Souichirou had always encouraged Light to do sports, and really those would’ve taken up the same amount of time! Plus, it wasn’t costing the family any money; Light taught himself and bought his cheap electric piano himself. Hell, it even kept Sayu entertained since she was seven when he bought it and obsessed with the noises the piano could make that weren’t normal piano noises. Light nearly laughed aloud remembering how he taught Sayu ‘twinkle twinkle little star’ in the harp noise setting. Oh, how Light missed having a family. It was only in the darkness of night that Light let himself miss his old life. How his mother would make sure he was eating well, how his sister admired him and genuinely wanted to spend time with him. How, when he was sick, he could always count on Sayu to pick up his homework. How when his father was on long cases Light would be free to feel like a child, like someone who didn’t have to worry about disappointing, about life’s weight so young. 

If Light hadn’t become Kira, he fears he may have gone insane anyways. Nothing felt right before he was Kira. Nothing made him happy, nothing made him angry, nothing was all he felt. Light opened his eyes in realization; he hated himself before Kira. Were you really that stupid Light? Didn't you realize you hated yourself? Pathetic, you can’t even figure out your own feelings. Light shook himself and realized that Kira was standing over him. Red tinged every part of his body, turning what were usually soft features into hard planes of hatred. We could’ve been great Light. Such a shame you had to go and get rid of me because of these pesky ‘feelings’. Light looked around him and found he was no longer in the hotel bedroom. He was trapped, in a cage of despair. Kira grew larger, dwarfing Light in the process. Do you see what we could’ve become? We could’ve been a God, a ruler of a paradise for the good and pure of heart. Instead, you chose our devil, our Satan and destroyed any chance of utopia. Was he really worth it Light? Was the apple really worth destroying all that is good and pure in the world? Light couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think… 

L stood in front of Light, his face pale as the moon, eye closed, long lashes casting shadows over the sunken planes of his face. 'Light, I am not worth it. He is right you know, you could’ve been great, I could be alive in that world, I wouldn’t have had to die… I could have been your priest, your king, your anything if you had asked…' L’s eyes opened and Light saw the red of Kira and screamed, loud and high. 

'Tsk tsk tsk, oh Light… he’s MINE you know… you could’ve had him if you really wanted to… Kira stood behind L, placing a single finger on his neck. I could kill him now. How would that make you feel Light? Powerful or powerless? Hmm, let’s find out…'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think will happen next? Is Light out of character? Probably. Do I care? Yes, yes I do. Would it be better if he was in character? No, because he'd be Kira and our pretty ship can't happen if Light is still Kira so...


	4. Rhinestone Eyes

Light woke up in a cold sweat, hand outreached to save L from the dream Kira. He was heaving and his shirt was soaked with sweat from the panic of his dream. He groaned and flopped back on the pillow. He hadn’t had a dream about Kira in nearly a year; he thought he was stronger than this. With a soft sigh, he glanced over at the clock: it was five in the morning. He needed to be up by six, so at least the dream hadn’t woken him up too early. He could live with five a.m. First, he wanted to make sure L was okay. Dream or no dream, Light really did love L and wanted to make sure he was okay whenever Light could. Slipping out of bed, Light padded into the living room. Lo and behold, L was sitting a few feet over from where Light left him when he went to bed. “Hey, Rue.” L looked up. 

“Is it six already? Goodness time really does fly when you’re having fun.” Light laughed. 

“No, it’s five, but I got up early to spend time with my favorite detective.” L rolled eyes. 

“Whatever you say Watari-kun. I think that you were excited to appear publicly as Watari for the first time since the Kira case.” Light laughed as he prepared the French press for coffee. He cleaned it out and measured out an appropriate amount of coffee into the bottom. Then, he put the kettle on to boil. “Are you making coffee?” 

“Yes Rue my dear, I’m making us some coffee. Would you like me to hand pull taffy for you while I’m at it? The coffee plants will take a few years to flower.” Light was so happy, so pleased that his dream hadn’t come true. Light shuddered involuntarily at the thought of Kira returning. If that happened… “Rue?” L hmmed in response. “This might sound kinda nuts, but if Kira ever comes back… kill him. Do whatever it takes to make him die.” L turned to Light, who was stiff in determination to make L agree. 

Light didn’t expect L to walk into the kitchen. Light didn’t expect L to get so close. Light didn’t expect L to wrap his thin arms around Light in a tight embrace. L typically wasn’t a touchy feely person; in fact, if he wasn’t close with them, he would often be on the defense with overly-touchy people. Even when they were in Japan, he tensed whenever one of the members of the group put a hand on his shoulder. Eventually, they stopped. So to be here, madly in love with L and asking him to kill you if it comes to that while being hugged by that amazing man? It was a little overwhelming, especially after Light’s dream. “You will not die by my hand Light-kun. I will not allow it. You are not leaving me so soon.” 

“Code names Rue.” Light tentatively put his arms around L in a return hug. “I’m just saying, if somehow he comes back, don’t let him live. He doesn’t deserve it. But for the time being, you’re stuck with me.” L chuckled lowly and shifted backward awkwardly. 

“I suppose. Don’t count yourself out too soon Watari-kun.” Light smiled at him. 

“Don’t worry about me. Go work on the case Mr. Detective.” Feeling elated, Light threw L a playful wink. L was shuffling away, so Light wasn’t really sure if he saw, but he could’ve sworn that L was a little pink right under his eye bags. 

The coffee was a good quality and properly sweet for L. Light got ready quickly, taking the most time with his makeup to modify himself into some sort of ambiguous beauty so if he met with someone outside of the headquarters it would be hard to place who he was. Plus the makeup hid most of the bruise on his nose and eye. Luckily, most of the swelling had gone down overnight so at least Light didn’t have to worry about that. He carefully styled his hair so that he looked even more ambiguous, trying his hardest to hide who he truly was. He slipped into his most feminine sweater and coupled it with smart dress pants. Finally satisfied, he put on his dress shoes and sauntered into the bathroom to check out his complete outfit. 

Light was beautiful, as usual. The soft curves that were usually covered up, or rendered moot by muscle, were on full display, making his eyes seem softer, less judgmental. In short, he was an elegant beauty, the perfect mask for who he really was; a murderous elegant beauty. Smirking, he walked over to where L was, grinning at his near awestruck gaze. “Cat got your tongue Rue? You always have something to say.” Light didn’t know where the hell this confidence was coming from; at this rate, he would have to fucking confess to L by the end of the day. L quickly put himself back together. 

“You can hardly blame me. It’s not often in which you manage to be even more stunning.” It was Light’s turn to be shocked. There was no way in hell that L had just said that, and yet… here he was, sitting with the most self-satisfied look on his face. Light forced the flush off his face and put on his hat. Slipping on the traditional, bulky Watari coat, Light coyly stated;

“It’s even less often that you manage to look stunning, but you managed today.” He didn’t wait for an answer and slipped out of the hotel room, pulling the coat closer around his body. You’re such a fool Light. He didn’t mean that. He’s trying to get into your head, make you easy to use. Don’t fall for it. We could get rid of him together you know. If there really is a Shinigami… Light shook the menace out of his head; he wasn’t getting them anywhere. Besides, he needed to be in the proper Watari mindset. It didn’t matter as much in the hotel, but out here, where anyone could see him he needed to be mentally prepared. 

The whole thing went smoothly. Since the whole city was at its breaking point, the cops were more than willing to do anything Light said. It probably helped that the men and women were distracted by his looks a few times when his hair was caught in the light of the projector. Don’t be a fool Light. Find the notebook for me. Light didn’t respond. He didn’t know what was making Kira more active lately, but he didn’t like it. Something about this case felt wrong like it wasn’t supposed to be happening. It was as if they were in a different world, a world that shouldn’t exist. But that wasn’t possible, everything played out like it was supposed to. Light lost, L won… but what if he didn’t? What if L… lost? There you go. That’s what I like to hear… you doubting that gross obsession. If Light hadn’t been in a very public setting he probably would’ve screaming in frustration. 

He took the metro back to the hotel, garnering a few looks from the brave who ventured out. It wasn’t often there was a mysterious beauty on the trains, even less so when there were thousands of hardened criminals on the loose. Light felt the attention boost his already overflowing confidence, and to an outsider, he seemed to glow. 

L certainly noticed his glow through the TV screen, and even more so on the shit security cameras he was monitoring Light on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not happy with this chapter, but it wasn't the worst it could've been. I might come back and change it but for now, it stays. What did you think of it? It felt a lot more difficult to write Light this chapter, which may be quite apparent, but L is always a breeze. Cheers!


	5. Fire and Flames Aren't the Same

The confidence L saw was a small amount of what Light was feeling. L had watched the whole thing on his computer, courtesy of Matt. It was the first anyone had heard of Matt in a few months, so L was happy his reclusive successors was coming out of his shell, even if it was for his mentor’s creepy obsession. The successors had more or less caught on to the fact that L was trying to claw his way out of feelings of affection for Light. His Watari, his mass murderer, his beauty. 

The feelings surfaced when L first met Light, all those years ago at the To-Oh ceremony. He had realized just how intelligent Light was, simply by talking to him. He had learned how beautiful he was, months later when he saw him cry. ‘No one should be that beautiful when they cry, and yet… Light was.’ L tried his best to push down the feelings; when he confessed, Light was barely a few months into being eighteen, much too young for the twenty-five-year-old L to crush on him. Then, something magical happened; they grew up. They evolved. L became more sensitive to Light, and in turn, Light came to trust L. They learned to exist as one entity, as one person with two faces. That proved fatal for L: if Light ever found out their life would be destroyed. Their trust would be gone. Any and all of their cases would crumble into ashes in their mouths, success spoiled by an immature detective and childish longing for love. 

Of course, Light was blissfully unaware of L’s affections, despite Mello’s best attempts to make Light aware: he claimed it was for both their sakes but L didn’t listen to that. He had always known that Mello was jealous of the bond L and Light shared, but he never realized that Mello might try and sabotage it. It was only a matter of time before it happened, and L was already bracing for the fallout. He had prepped Near on Watari’s jobs, back in the early days of Light working with them, knowing he could count on his stoic successor to keep such a thing secret, unlike Mello or even Matt, who would blab to Mello at the first opportunity. 

The door to the suite opened and L instinctively tensed, ready to fight. “Everything went well Rue. We’ve got the LA police at our beck and call, and they seem pretty ready to act on whatever we want: some lady mentioned something about being indebted to you… do you have any idea what that’s about?” Light’s voice was sickly sweet, something L wasn’t used to, and barely knew how to combat. L tried to remain neutral, trying to diffuse the situation from whatever mood Light was in that had clearly occurred on the metro. 

“Perhaps she’s talking about another case I was on. After all, I’ve been to LA quite a few times.” 

“It wouldn’t happen to be about the LABB murders, would it? Mello told me about those… and about the killer in quite a lot of detail.” L froze, memories swarming into his field of vision like birds of prey. B, as a child playing with him in the backyard of the house. B laughing at A when A got a perfect score and saying he tried too hard. L, sobbing into B’s chest in L's dark bedroom the day of A’s funeral. B snapping at L, calling him weak and useless, the cause of A’s death… L shuts down that train of thought before it can go further and realizes that only milliseconds have passed, giving him time to answer without seeming suspicious. 

“That was a brutal case. I wouldn’t be surprised.” Light rolled his eyes and shrugged off his coat, brushing down his sleeves as he did so. 

“Quit lying L.” The second lapse of codenames in two days. 

“Watari you know better.” 

“Do I? Because everyone else doesn’t seem to think so. Everybody else seems to think that I’m still him, that I still do those things, that I can’t even be trusted to know things unless I fucking blackmail your successors into telling me shit that they hint at! Everyone seems to be very good at telling me what I need to know, and never anything more. Something like the reason you’re afraid right now is that I’m yelling at you the same way that Beyond Birthday used to.” L stared right at Light, and Light stared right back. What the hell had happened on the metro? How did Light know about B, unless….

“Mello told you, didn’t he? He let something slip and you hounded him for any scrap of information you could… and now being here, in LA makes B feel like a threat even though he’s dead.” L’s voice trembled on the word dead, but he kept it together. “Beyond died on January 28th of 2004. He died of a heart attack in my maximum security prison. The guards celebrated because Kira had finally killed someone they wanted dead. You know what I did? That night, I went onto the roof of my hotel and thought about how easy it would be to throw myself off it. By failing to catch Kira quickly, I had enabled a killer to kill the only killer I cared about. Beyond was never my friend, even if he played the part. You were my friend Light, so why the hell does it bother you so much that I had a thing for B? I grew up with him, I saw him cry when A slit his wrists, I saw him burn himself alive. Why does it bother you? Can’t you just leave it alone?” L was exasperated and noticed Light’s hands balling up. 

Light’s jaw tensed and he bit out words that L never expected to hear: “I care because I love you, but you care more about a dead serial killer than a living one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels really bad but I think it's the best I could do with the way the plot and my schedule is going... I hope you're satisfied w how things went down... any ideas as to why Beyond is being brought up so much???


	6. Demon Days

L froze. Dimly, he was aware of Light slamming the bedroom door, but really it could’ve been any door. He… Loves me? Impossible, does not compute, does not compute does not does not… 

Light slammed the bedroom door shut, angry with himself for being such a dick, and angry for revealing something he intended to be a secret, at least until this case was over. “What the hell has gotten into me?” Light asked the room, but no one answered. He didn’t know why he expected someone to. You know exactly what has gotten into you: it’s me! At least you finally did something about him… shutting him down so that we could be together is such a good move Light… now all you need is the Death Note and we can be together again. Frustrated, Light screamed “GO AWAY DAMMIT,” and threw a pen across the room, where it left an indent on the wall. Grumbling, Light slipped under the covers, shoes and all, and pulled the sheets up to his ears. He wanted to disappear, to become one with the void, to be another person, anyone but the guy who just fucked up his own life by confessing to the most powerful man in the world about his feelings. 

Light had to face the facts: he was stuck. Trapped in the bedroom. Sooner or later he would need to eat, or use the bathroom or something. He needed advice on what to do once he left the bedroom, but he didn’t want to call Mello. He’d get angry that Light told L that he knew about Beyond, and Light probably would start crying if that happened. And Kira be damned, Light wasn’t crying in front of anyone ever again: once was enough. So, he dialed a number given to him by Matt that he thought he would never dial. 

“I’m listening.” Light swallowed his pride and spit out a brittlely harsh statement. 

“Turn off the voice-modifier Near. I need your advice.” Light heard the flip of a switch and then the monotonous tone of Near’s voice. 

“To what do I owe the pleasure? I do believe you never wished to interact with me or was that someone else?” Light grit his teeth. 

“Cut the crap Near, you’re the only one I can talk to. I’ve destroyed my relationship with L and I don’t know what to do. Some of the stuff I said was shit Mello told me not to tell, and if I talk to Matt he’ll tell Mello. You’re the only one at the house beside the obvious who I trust with this. What should I do?” Light heard a quiet laugh from the other end of the line. 

“You forget my romantic attachment to Mello as well. However I will help you, but in turn, you owe me a favor.” Light rolled his eyes: Near was worse at bargaining than Matsuda. 

“Fine. So, here’s what happened.” Light went on to describe his day, and how he threw Beyond in L’s face after Kira had tormented him the whole metro ride back to the hotel. How he ended up confessing to L about how he’s in love with him and how L reacted by freezing up and being basically a standing comatose. “... and that’s how I became desperate enough to contact the child who hates me more than anyone in the world about my failure at being a decent person.” 

“You’re fucked Light.” Near cackled his humor evident even without seeing the impish grin surely on his face. “L is going to flip his shit. L doesn’t care about other people: I bet that Beyond was the only person he cared about, and when that went to shit he just shut himself off from the world. I doubt that anyone can ever get him to open up like that again.” 

“Near, I don’t care that he’s closed off: that’s the person I love for fuck's sake. What I care about is salvaging our bond without any of the emotional reconnecting. What I said is over and done with but I need a gameplan for now.” Near contemplated this for a few seconds, and when he spoke again it was grudging. 

“I’ll help you, but you need to assess the situation first. Go make tea or something, but stay on the line with me. If you wish, I can feed you lines so that it seems like you’re on the phone with an airline company.” 

“I’m not twelve Near, I can go out there without stupid lines. I’ll put the mic on speaker in my pocket. If anything goes down you’ll hear and be able to give me the rundown of what went wrong if it does go wrong. I think L is going to want to forget this just as much as you are. Now, let’s get on with it. Light, if any of your makeup is smudged, fix it. You need to look your best to feel your best.” Light touched up some of his eyeliner that had smudged in his near-tears state. “Now, put on your comfort outfit. Something that makes you feel safe and as non-confrontational as possible.” Light switched into his sweater from L and his dark green pajama pants. 

“I could’ve figured this out on my own Near. What part of your advice is special?” 

“If my assumptions about today are correct, L is probably sitting on a sofa, in his couch crouch. He may be unresponsive, or he may try and talk to you. Diffuse any attempts to talk until you’ve made tea.” Light took a deep breath and nodded at Kira in the mirror. He could do this. 

“You’re on speaker. I’m going in.” Light opened the door with the same amount of speed he always did and walked to the living room. The kitchen was through there and L was sitting on the sofa as Near had predicted. As Light strode confidently towards the kitchen, L noticed.

“Light-kun. Can we talk?” He seemed so frail, so unsure, that Light almost stopped and kissed him. 

“After I make tea okay?” Light used a voice once reserved for Sayu after she had had a nightmare. “I’ll make you a cup and then we can talk.” He rose, not realizing he had knelt to be at eye level with L, and went into the kitchen, putting the kettle on. Turning off speaker, Light pressed the phone against his face, drew a breath to speak, and then ended the call. You don’t need a sheep to be powerful and in charge Light… you can do that with me, and I’m not a sheep; I’m the wolf. Light shook Kira out of his mind and placed the tea into the mugs. L’s plain white one and Light’s black ‘I’m not Kira” one. L had bought it as a joke between friends and Light drank out of it to spite him. Now, it was more pertinent than ever, given Light’s daily visitor. 

Light took a deep breath. Pouring the water over the teabags, Light counted to ten to alleviate his anxiety. This conversation was going to make or break their relationship and he wasn’t sure if that was good or not. Sometimes it was good to let friendships go if they weren’t going to work out. Especially when romantic feelings became a focal point. Light pulled out the sugar and stirred it into L’s tea, taking his time in making sure the god awful noise of a spoon against a mug wasn’t present. Finally, he took out the teabags and accepted that he really was about to have this conversation. Light just hoped that L wouldn’t hate him after this. 

Stepping into the living room, he inhaled and smiled wanly at L. L didn’t smile back and Light didn’t take that as a good sign. L knew that he needed reassurance if he did something good or bad, so him, not smiling must be a bad thing. Light’s mind whirled with all of the things that L could possibly say or do that would ruin Light’s world. He watched L sip his sugary, scalding tea and wincing at the pain that must be occurring in L’s mouth. L didn’t even flinch.

“Light-kun, I feel for the moment code names are not of any importance.” Light swallowed and nodded. “Now, onto more pressing matters. What exactly is going through your mind Light?” Light knew that if he didn’t answer honestly, L would rip him apart. This session was for them to clear the air, get their pesky emotions out of the way. 

“I’m afraid, but I know you’ll decide whatever is best.” If L hadn’t shaved his eyebrows off in a fit of rage at fifteen, Light’s sure by the expression of his face they would have been raised. 

“Afraid of what I’m going to decide Light? This isn’t a witch hunt like the first time we talked. This is a reasonable conversation between mentally capable adults about a confession made by the fearful party.” Light was almost offended at being called the fearful party, but he knew that he would just start a fight instead of getting anything done. 

“You’re right, for the umpteenth time in your life L. I am afraid. I’m afraid that after this conversation I’m going to be in prison. I’m afraid that I’m going to lose whatever we have together now, and I’m afraid that you’re going to think that who I am is a disgusting gay murderer who can’t even get his shit together long enough to prevent a massive attraction for the man he should hate.” Light didn’t like this at all. He kept putting his feelings on the table, instead of squandering them away like he was so good at. What was it about L that made all of his walls fall down? How did such a stupid looking frog man make him open up like a flower in spring?

L pondered his words for a moment. Surely Light didn’t mean all that? He had never opened up to L before… but then again they had never attempted to open up before. They were brick walls, slowly being torn down by their own humanity. “Light-kun, I’m worried that you’ve gotten the wrong impression. I have never once, for a day in my life assumed you were straight. I have never once thought of you, as you put it ‘a gay murderer’. That would be much too opinionated. You have always been Kira, or you have always been Light. Neither exists in the same space for me, and neither of them has ever affected the respect you are due. You have survived things I would never have, like exist in a nuclear family home without outing yourself or procuring an almost-girlfriend in Misa Amane. With this respect for your existence in mind, I would like to confess something as well; I have been harboring romantic and sexual inclinations for you for some time now. I have not acted on these as I deemed it inappropriate given our work environment. With someone we care for being in our immediate view, those who wish to tear us down are given footholds. Affection leads to vulnerability, which leads to tearing down the greatest three detectives in the entire world. Four, if you include yourself. Don’t look so disheartened Light: I am merely giving the reasons that I am going to ignore going further. If you wish to pursue romantic endeavors with me, I will not stop you. I will, in fact, encourage these endeavors with the utmost support. Everything in this moment is in your hands. After you make a decision will I discuss the terms of our attachment.” 

For a moment, Light was motionless. Reaching forward, Light took L’s hand in his. L could feel his heart in his throat and pushed down on hope. “That was a really fancy way of saying that nothing is going to change except I can adore you openly now.” L smiled and Light gave a small smile in return. Finally, the air was cleared. 

And then there was an explosion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, the alternate title for this was 'Hard Times or Friendship is Great When You're Confused About Your Sexuality". 
> 
>  
> 
> find me on Tumblr as my-thunderstruck-world!


	7. Priorities

L and Light raced to the window, peering out into the streets to try and see what had happened. From the looks of things, a building had exploded and was currently ablaze. L flipped on the news station faster than Light had ever seen in his life. The news was normal for about a minute before the newscaster turned to the screen. “This just in - the LA prison, which was recently involved in a mass breakout, has apparently exploded. More information will be given as available.” L swore in French, a steady stream of beautiful explicative. 

“Of course it was the prison. Light, get Matt on the phone. I need to know if our surveillance picked anything up.” Light nodded and dialed up Matt’s number. 

“This is Matt.”

“Watari here. We need-” Matt cut him off

“The LA cameras. I’m already working on seeing what footage we got.” There was the clacking of keys and then: “Fuck, you’re not going to like this. I’m encrypting it and sending it to the Watari email address. It should be there about… now.” A ping was heard from Light’s laptop and he nodded.

“Thank you.” Matt signed off without a word. Light sat down and picked up his sleek MacBook, entering the password and the video pulled up. Damn Matt and his knowledge of computers: Light wanted to see the attachment first. Walking down an alley, four blocks down from the explosion was Misa Amane and a floating jar of strawberry jam. It looked like the feed was live, and some invisible being scooped up jelly. Misa appeared to be talking to it: Light registered this and the fact that he didn’t have his sound on. He turned it up and heard her lilting voice. 

“You know, I’m surprised you haven’t been figured out yet. If it really is as you say…” She trailed off, looking at the floating jam jar. “That makes sense! You’re so smart shinigami-sama.” She stopped talking and entered the back entrance of a club. The jam jar stayed in the alleyway. Light went back in the tape and beckoned L over. L watched what Light had and his face contorted in a way Light only ever associated with L eating real food. 

“Beyond. It has to be.” Light blinked. “Light, we can finish this conversation later, once we have this situation under control.” Light knew that the case was imperative but he was a little upset that they could not continue. The selfish Kira in his chest purred at the idea of pursuing his own interest, so Light acted selflessly to spite it. 

“This Beyond guy just can’t let us have a moment huh?” Light felt his mask slide into place without meaning to put it on. “It’s okay if we finish later. I’ll keep watching the news for more info and you can keep an eye on that alleyway.” L didn’t say anything, keeping his eyes trained on the floating jam jar. Light turned his eyes and ears to the news: the reporter had gotten on the scene and was talking about the efforts to calm the flames and rescue prisoners and guards. One thing caught Light’s attention.

“... it would seem that this was not an accident - that is, police believe that this was an act of arson and not a gas leak as originally believed.” Light snorted and L turned his head as if to listen. 

“How the hell do you even think that’s a gas leak? Surely such a large establishment doesn’t run on purely natural gas.” L shrugged and hummed. “Any progress on the jam jar?” L shook his head. Creeping up behind him, Light gently laid his head on L’s tense shoulder. 

“What are you doing?” Light smiled.

“You’re annoying when you won’t respond to me with your voice.” L opened his eyes wider if possible. 

“I was under the impression that you wanted to be left alone to peace and quiet when we worked.” 

“You distract me, but I like listening to you speak English. It’s soothing.” L hummed and Light smiled. “Besides the news isn’t going to give us anything. These people are incredibly incompetent and for all we know they won’t make the Kira connection.” Here L gently moved Light to face him, making sure to keep the computer screen in his peripherals. 

“There is no Kira connection. Misa Amane never acted as Kira, so this is entirely of her volition. You are not to blame for any of this.” Light was a little angry: what the hell did L think of him as? Some weakling that only ever thought it was about him? He tried to shrug it off but Kira wasn’t having it. You do only think of yourself Light. I am you, remember? You think about me all the time… Frustrated, Light grit his teeth. “Light? Was it something I said?” 

“It’s never something you say L, it’s always something I think. Just… forget it okay. Everything’s fine.” L pulled up some fancy software and began recording the screen footage so as not to lose it. 

“Everything's not fine Light: even I can see that.” Dimly Light registered that they were continuing the conversation they had literally just abandoned. It didn’t matter though; Light had been all over the place lately so really it made sense that they were forgetting their duties over a personal matter. “Tell me. I want to help. You have always fascinated me, why else could I have fallen in love with you?” Light rolled his eyes. 

“Quit being so fake L. You never talk like a normal person, quit it! Quit trying to relate to me by altering who you are. Quit trying to make everything easy for me when it never should be, not with you! I’m regretting all of this already. I should never have told you what I did. It made you pity me, and you are the last person on this planet I ever want to pity me.” 

“You can say it you know. That you love me. It is quite unlike you to have such outbursts Light-kun, and they are becoming more frequent. I was simply trying another tactic to try and get you to open up to me. I apologize if I caused you distress.” Light rolled his eyes. 

“You never care about that L. This is exactly what I meant. You caring is unnerving and upsetting for me. Just be yourself for fuck's sake!” L snorted.

“Did you ever consider that me caring is me being myself? Ryuzaki is, in fact, a mask I pull on so often I forgot for a moment that it wasn’t who I am. I don’t like that. You can’t tell me to be myself when I don’t even know who that is.” 

Light was quiet for a moment; this wasn’t something he had ever considered. He had always hoped and eventually assumed that L was comfortable enough around him to be himself. Light never thought about how L hiding forever would affect his true self. Not once. 'How selfish', Kira purred at Light in his mind 'not even considering how L feels…' To shut up the doubting voice in his mind, Light gently clasped L’s hands. “L… I didn’t think about that, I’ll be honest, I didn’t. It was inconsiderate of me. Show me you… the real you…” Light kissed L’s cheek gently, almost afraid to take it further. He needn’t have worried: L pulled him into a true kiss almost as soon as Light was able to see his lust filled eyes. 

Back in England, the successors looked at each other with horror-filled eyes as Matt shut off the video feed and Mello and Near fought to hang up Light’s phone call first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took so long because I'm bad at perceiving time. Oh well. Kudos to the people who remembered that Near was listening in! There will be a little from their POV next chapter as well as some light (haha) smut. The explicit stuff probably won't go down until after the case is solved! Cheers!


	8. i just loved you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE IS SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER!! 
> 
> it's rated E for a fucking reason (hah fucking) & I put little stars where the smut ends if it isn't your cuppa
> 
> I said I was going to post this for the death day o Kira but then my depression said "or you're not getting out of bed"
> 
> Follow my tumblr @my-thunderstruck-world & my DN sideblog @my-thunderstruck-dn-obession!

Kissing was as much a battle for dominance as anything was for them. L wanted control but Light had years of kissing women under his belt. It wasn’t exactly the same; L had firmer lips and more will, but Light managed as he always did. They found themselves in their bedroom, not quite sure which of them had propelled them there. They hadn’t even officially started dating yet and Light already felt as if they were a true unit. Their bodies worked in harmony already and the two of them had nothing left between them. Light did his best to keep his lips on L but it was fruitless once L started undressing him. 

L rubbed teasing circles on Light’s side as he pulled Light’s sweater up with his teeth. When he reached Light’s nipples he switched to nimble fingers to finish the job. Frustrated with his lack of dominance, Light wrestled for control and yanked up L’s shirt, pulling it over his head upsetting already messy hair. L pouted for a moment and pulled on the tie holding up Light’s pajama pants. The pants tumbled to the floor in a mess of cloth. Light stepped out of them, boxers showing a half boner. L was so entranced he didn’t notice Light unbuttoning his jeans. L snapped out of it to protest but it was too late: his cake patterned boxers were exposed. Light stepped back and snorted. “Really L?” L cocked a pose that would haunt Light for years to come. His hip was jutted out and his back fully extended. His eyes were lust filled and his hair was the epitome of sex hair. 

“Don’t tell me you’re complaining Light-kun?” Light shook his head and L smiled gently. “That’s what I thought. Now, I’m going to remove your boxers.” It was only then that Light felt any hesitation, but it was quickly met with determination. He was going to do this. He trusted L. L’s fingers dragged gently down his torso to play gently with the waist of Light’s boxers. His fingers were a little cold and Light giggled at the slight tickle. L smiled in return and dragged the boxers down Light’s legs. 

There, laid out in all his glory, was the only person in the world that L ever felt attracted to. The only person who made him feel whole was staring up with steely doe eyes. “Are you just going to look? You know a picture would last longer.” L was forced back into reality by Light’s brash nature, shaking his head with what he hoped was a coy smile. 

“Maybe next time Light. Now, which would you prefer?” Light looked up at him in bafflement. 

“What on earth are you talking about? Would I rather top or bottom? I honestly don’t care but I think all compasses are pointing at me being the bottom this time.” Somehow Light’s snarky self-was the most relaxing part of this. What kind of couple would they be if they couldn’t find some humor in foreplay? L pulled his own boxers down so that they were even. They stared at each other for a moment, a little in awe of the moment they were sharing. They lunged towards each other, lust clouding their thoughts; to anyone else, this was just another day, but today was the day they became one. 

L felt like he was looming over Light, but judging by the clouded eyes and panting, Light was enjoying it. Making eye contact, not bothering to speak, L spat on his hand and used the slick to ease his hand's journey on Light’s dick. He pulled up, gently at first, coming to rub almost lovingly at the head, which was already slick with precome. L had a sudden thought and leaned down to suckle on the head, only to be stopped by a blushing Light. “If you do that…. This will be over far too soon. Get to the point L.” You would think that a man who looked as utterly wrecked as Light did wouldn’t be able to be demanding but L supposed that was half the fun. 

“What point Light?” Light nearly threw the man off his legs but knew that giving in would be much more pleasurable. 

“Fuck me. Get some lube and a condom and finger me open until I scream. Fuck me like you’re not going to get the chance ever again. Damn you’d better be good or you might not get to fuck me again.” L didn’t need to be told twice. He scrambled to the nightstand and from the depths pulled out a condom and strawberry flavored lube. Light, ever the impatient brat hissed “hurry up”, and L raced to obey. They positioned so that Light was comfortable, and L used copious amounts of lube to slicken up his fingers. He gently rubbed against Light’s ass, the tight ring of muscle opening up slowly to the foreign touch. L watched Light’s face for any sign of discomfort as he slowly pushed in the first knuckle. There was none and L watched a smile blossom on Light’s face as he gently pressed the rest of his middle finger in. “Finally some fucking action.” L hummed and did his best to prep Light for a second finger. “‘M ready now L, ’m not made of glass.” L took this as a sign to insert a second finger. He did his best to create a scissoring motion like he had read about online. Light wasn’t staying still enough for him though, so he paused and placed his currently useless right hand on Light’s hips to steady him. 

“Calm down Light. I promise you’ll get what you want, but you need to be prepared.” Light groaned. Did L really think so low of him? It wasn’t like he was actively trying to mess up, it was just his reactions. L was quite nimble with those sinuous fingers. Every press inside of him felt as if Light was able to experience heaven for just a moment. It was pure bliss. Light couldn’t ever imagine feeling this good with anyone besides L. L shifted his finger’s angle and Light screamed as he hit his prostate. “Fuck are you okay?” 

“Do that again.” Light managed to pant out, a little bit of spit dripping down the side of his mouth. L did and Light moaned out his praise. “There. Right there. Perfect. L please don’t stop.” How could L refuse such a desperate plea? As he moved his fingers, L got the idea to wrap his fingers around Light’s weeping cock. Light was frustrated as he tried to push down onto the fingers prying him open and push up into the soft hand wrapped around him. “More. I… I need more…” L smiled at him and worked in the first knuckle of his third finger. Light moaned and L felt his own cock throb at the noise. How he could get off purely on someone’s noises was beyond him, but he accepted it as one of the many mysteries that came with Light. 

Once Light was frustrated with the state of things once more and was begging for L’s cock again, L rolled on a condom. As he looked down at the sweating, drooling mess that was Light, he only felt something pure in his heart. Light opened his eyes to see why the fingers had pulled out of him and smiled. “Y-you’re finally going to fuck me? It’s a-about time ha…” L shut him up with a kiss and pushed in gently. Light’s pants were distracting, but the warm feeling of being inside him was even more so. L loved the gentle caress he got from the experience and the way Light’s eyes rolled into the back of his head was pure beauty. Once Light looked suitably comfortable, L pushed in until he bottomed out. 

Light moaned - L’s dick was much wider than his spider-like fingers and just as long. The pleasure was immense. Light felt like if L fucked him just right he would fucking die, and it wouldn’t be a bad way to go. Then, L started moving. And Light? Light saw stars. 

*******  
The morning comes and Light feels warm and loved. He reaches his fingers out, blurry-eyed and finds the sheets next to him are empty. He feels clean although he remembers coming more than once last night and flushes at the idea that L cleaned them up. It’s only then that reality hits Light like a freight train. He just got fucked multiple times by L. He got fucked by fucking L. Light groans and holds his head in his hands, sheets sliding down to reveal his chest as he sits up. What the fuck is he going to do? They have a case to work on! Light can’t get distracted knowing how good that dick was… Light resolved to find L. He slipped on his pajama bottoms (folded neatly at the end of the bed) and wandered into the sitting room. L was sitting with his back to Light, shirtless and only in his boxers. He was mumbling in French to an apathetic Matt. “L?” L turned and Light waved awkwardly. Matt sarcastically saluted them both and signed off the video chat. 

“Ah, Watari-kun. I was wondering when you’d wake up. We’ve had a development in the case.” Light raised an eyebrow. 

“What happened?” L shifted.

“The shinigami was present in a restaurant downtown but Misa Amane was not around. It implies that either she is adept at disguising herself or the shinigami is not bound to her the way that Ryuk was to you. Either possibility is worrying for the both of us.” Light wanted to be surprised but honestly, this case got weirder by the second; it would take a fucking miracle for Light to be surprised anymore. Light shrugged and moved to go make coffee. 

Standing in the kitchen watching the water boil, Light called out to L “So are we just not going to talk about what happened last night? I’m pretty sure we should.” L hummed something noncommittal and Light walked into the living room with his arms crossed. “Is it not important? It’s kind of a major development.” 

“I just happened to assume that Watari did not wish for it to affect our professional relationship. Us fucking is a physical development, yes, and you should probably take it easy, but it should not impact our work.” Light rolled his eyes, hard demeanor returned from the hell land of doubt. 

“I wasn’t talking about our professional relationship. We literally just started to sort things out emotionally and now we’re stuck in the day after situation. Should the fuckee leave or just stick around and hope the fucker makes him waffles?” L raised an eyebrow. 

“I will gladly make waffles if it means you don’t go.” And with that, Light knew he was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it good? Bad? the worst smut ever written? Leave a hecking comment so I know! 
> 
> Thanks for sticking around thus far and reading my shitty ass fanfic!


	9. Et tu Brute?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Beth. Thank you for your support and I hope you love this chapter as much as you have the rest of it.

The case made little progression; they couldn’t find Misa or a motive, so they were reduced to common detectives, hunting down and imprisoning the thousands of loose criminals. Light dreaded the work every morning and by the end of the day was so fed up it took L to talk him down from the metaphorical ledge. They hadn’t had sex since that night, but Light was content with their current arrangement of sweeter words and even sweeter actions. 

It was beginning, Light was not happy with the way things were. He was expecting their relationship to be… more. More affection, more love, more everything. So he told L as much. So L changed his tactic a little. He didn’t realize that that was what Light wanted out of their relationship, and he didn’t realize just how much one had to give into a relationship. It wasn’t like he exactly had practice. Beyond didn’t count, even if what they shared wasn’t exactly normal. L was jostled out of his thoughts by Light waking up and turning to look at him. “Good morning. I’m thinking I should go to the store today, what do you think? I’m sick of eating room service every day.” L nodded; the idea that anything could happen to Light was absurd. They were safe so long as Light kept his wits about him like he always did. 

How wrong he was. 

Light’s journey to the store was uneventful; although criminals were all but roaming the streets, people were beginning to venture out of their homes again. Since he wasn’t in his Watari persona for this particular journey, Light felt rather like himself in his casual outfit; Kira hadn’t bothered him since the night that he and L shared together. The store itself was crowded, but the people were mostly quiet. The hustle and bustle was the loudest noise. Parents appeared to be shopping only with the most well behaved of their children and the elderly whispered among themselves. 

Light felt as if he belonged to a category all his own, not quite fitting with the young thirty-somethings who had fledgling children, and yet not fitting either with the carefree twenty-somethings who wasted their lives on social gatherings and living a cutesy minimalist life. Indeed, he fit somewhere in the cracks, living without a true identity or sense of connection to those his age. 

As Light was checking out, he caught the sight of a woman in the line next to him. She was short and blonde, and if Light could see her face he would realize exactly who it was. She fluttered off in a hurry, her plastic bags crinkling as she raced out of the store. Light shook it off as odd, paid and left. In the subway, he saw the same woman, but her back was to him. He shrugged it off as a coincidence. She turned very slowly and Light made direct eye contact with Misa Amane. 

They couldn’t do anything but stare at one another; Light was very much aware of Kira cackling over his shoulder. Light breathed out her name; she shushed him with a finger. The metro stopped and Misa slipped out, Light following behind her, grocery bags crinkles as he raced behind her. She slipped through the crowd like a fish through the water, while Light was the bulky bear chasing her. Light stopped, realizing his pursuit was futile. He looked around, gathering his surroundings, and called L. 

“This is L.” 

“Watari speaking. I saw her. I’m in pursuit but I don’t think I’m going to make it. Get Matt’s eyes on East Ocean Boulevard, that’s the stop we got off at.” 

“We’re on it. Nice work Watari. Head home.” Light froze, his casual demeanor all but dropped. 

“What do you mean ‘head home’? I could catch her! We could end this case!” 

“Light. You cannot be compromised. Come home.” Light fumed and, deathly quiet, spoke.

“I thought you trusted me. Can I not do this one simple task?” 

“I do trust you. With my life even. What I don’t want is for you to be harmed or intercepted by Misa or Beyond. Come home to me, please? I cannot be alone again.” 

“... you’re so lucky I love you. If anyone else had said that to me…” 

“I know. You would’ve laughed in their face. Come back, Light, and we can form a plan. You can give me the details of the situation.” It was said like an incentive, and Light gave in. It wasn’t worth the fight, not with L. 

“I’m coming back. If we lose her -” 

“You won’t forgive me. I understand. Come home.” 

“I’m getting a ticket, calm down you maniac.” 

“Says Watari-kun.” Light laughed softly; he didn’t want to hang up just yet, but a crowded train was not the place to talk to your secret detective boyfriend. 

“I have to go. I shouldn’t talk on the phone on the train.” And yet, Light still didn’t hang up. 

“I’ll see you at home Light-kun.” The line went dead and Light silently put away his phone. The car he entered was empty, eerily so. The others weren’t deserted, at least two people in each and yet, he was alone. Something felt wrong, terribly, terribly wrong but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Yes, the car was empty, but there were many stops after this one. It would surely fill up. Something fell from the rack above him and hit his head; he rubbed it and picked up the black notebook. A sense of dread filled him. There was a terrible cackle, like the noise burning human flesh made. He looked above him, and there stood a Shinigami. Some mental dam inside of him broke and he screamed as the memories of being Kira filled his mind once more. The power and the ego and the rage against the world flooded back. Light stood, once more a god. 

“Tell me your name Shinigami. To whom do I owe the pleasure of reminding me of my purpose?” The Shinigami cackled once more.

“My name is Beyond Birthday. Kira killed me. Oh, Misa is going to love this.” Light blinked and stored the notebook in his grocery bag. 

“I’m not going to Misa. L and I are going to create a new world, just as I planned before. Being without power really makes you think of ways you would be better in power. Follow me Shinigami Beyond, and I will lead you to the love of my life.” Beyond cackled but otherwise remained silent. 

Sitting in his crouch, L received a message from Matt. “L… I was watching the train Light was on, like you asked, and well… you should see this.” The footage was from a minute earlier. L watched in neutral horror as Light Yagami, his best friend, and lover, returned to the monster he so feared. 'This might sound kinda nuts, but if Kira ever comes back… kill him. Do whatever it takes to make him die.' “L…? Are you… crying?” L wiped off the lone tear that escaped and spoke in a voice the held controlled rage. 

“Don’t tell anyone what has happened. Let me deal with him first. Matt, I am trusting you with this information should anything happen to me; Light wanted me to kill Kira should he ever return. Let Mello do it. Make sure he knows that Light is gone, should I fail.” Matt nodded and signed off. L waited in silence until Light entered. 

“Honey, I’m home! Boy, do I have some news for you!” L stood. 

“I’m aware.” 

“Then you know what I want! Let’s build a new world together L. You’re the only person with whom I would share this with. Let me be your guide, and together we can save the world.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Did you see that coming? Misa is a sneaky babe and how did she get Beyond to help her? Let me know! 
> 
> tumblrs - my-thunderstruck-world & my-thunderstruck-dn-obsession


	10. Heaven's Gates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My muse didn't want to write a plot, she wanted to write love, so we compromised.

L stared blankly at Light, no Kira, and tried to gather where this was coming from. “Well don’t look so down! With your resources and my powers, we would be unstoppable. Justice would be served our way: not my way, not your way but with both of us working as one cohesive team.” 

It struck L in that moment that he didn’t want to say no. Kira’s point was valid and if he really loved L, Kira wouldn’t get out of hand. They could contain the monster that previously existed and mellow him out, make him softer and juster. Together, they really did have a shot at making a new world together. Maybe, just maybe, this could work. “How about we have a trial period? You and I solve this case, and once we’re done we can talk more about a new breed of justice. Does that sound alright Kira?” It felt like the first time L called Kira out; the adrenaline pulsing through L’s veins could allow him to lift a bus. Kira smiled and for a moment L saw Light, but Light was quickly shoved back into Kira’s mental cage. 

“A trial period sounds lovely! I’m sure you’ll come around to the idea once you see how effective we are together.” Kira was much louder than Light. Light was calculated, but it felt as if Kira was less so, more childish. Or maybe it was because Kira was all of Light’s suppressed desire; maybe this was how Light wished he could be with L. Open, carefree, and very extreme. 

“Can you make us some coffee? We need some motivation if we’re going to get this case over with soon.” Light obliged with a nod of his head, taking the grocery bags with him. L sighed and sank down into the couch, head resting on the arm of the couch with his toes wiggling off of the other end. ‘What am I going to do with him?’ he wondered, suddenly feeling very tired. ‘I can’t just keep Kira around, and appeasing him like this will only last so long… what to do, what to do.’ 

Matt swallowed nervously as he knocked on Mello’s door. He knew that L had told him not to tell anyone, but Mello doesn’t really count as anyone. He heard soft swearing and the rustle of fabric before Mello opened the door, standing in the doorframe as if hiding something. “Oh, Matt. What’s happened? You look pale as a ghost.” 

“Mel, I know you have someone in there. This is important, so tell whatever broad you have in there to get out. L’s in danger.” 

“Nonsense, he’s with Light.”

“Mels, please either let me in or come with me because this is top secret as in L didn’t even want me to tell you.” Mello’s face darkened and he opened the door wider so Matt could step in. Matt wished he hadn’t. Sitting on Mello’s bed was Near, who’s mussed hair and hickey didn’t exactly hide what had been going on in there. Matt felt a pang of jealousy go through his heart before he pushed it down and got to business. “Right. Okay, this saves me a second trip. Matt whipped his laptop out of his satchel and pulled up the footage from L and Light’s room and the phone call recording. Mello and Near sat too close and Matt felt out of place and oddly guilty. This was important information but he had also interrupted what was clearly a budding and very secret relationship. 

“That bitch Misa is going to fucking pay.” Matt looked up to calm Mello but Near beat him to it. 

“Mello sit down. Matt, we know that this was Misa’s doing, but do we have the appropriate proof to conduct a manhunt? That and what should we do about Kira? L is clearly trying to get Light back through loving him but I don’t think any of us love Light like that. We need to take action.” Matt felt his heart flutter at Near’s taking charge; the little sheep might just be worthy of Mello. 

“I propose we get them back to England as soon as possible; we can’t have Kira out and about for too long.” Mello and Near nodded in agreement at Matt’s point. 

“The problem is, we can’t get them back here unless we use force and I doubt Kira of all people would take well to force.” Mello mused, moving his arm so Near could curl into his side like a koala. Matt tried to not look visibly uncomfortable and failed. 

“Um, you guys can figure that out. I’m going to go and uh, check up on the live feed, make sure Kira hasn’t fucking killed L or something.” Matt left, breathing a sigh of relief when he was finally out of the distance of Mello’s room. 

Mello and Near looked at each other; Matt was clearly perturbed by their new relationship with one another. Near disentangled himself from Mello and stood. “As much as I would like to discuss theories with you, I believe I should go after our… friend. Stay here.” Mello pouted but Near was resolute. “It is my fault that Matt is feeling shitty right now. I, therefore, must be the one to remedy his emotions. You’ll accidentally make it worse.” Mello sighed but waved Near off. 

“Go on then, shoo. Make Matt feel better.” Near smiled at Mello and trotted off to see how Matt was handling everything. 

The answer was not well. When Near went to knock on Matt’s closed door he heard muffled sobs. Near took a step back, to pretend he didn’t hear anything and tapped on the door. “Go away, Mello.” Near mustered up his courage. 

“It is not Mello. Please, let’s talk Matt.” Near heard shuffling and the unlatching of a lock. Matt stood in the doorframe, eyes obscured by his goggles that were steadily fogging up as his face heated up from not crying. “May I come in Matt?” Near had never bothered to learn Matt’s facial expressions so he was happy that Matt’s body language was so obvious. 

“Fine. You want a coke or something?” Near stepped into Matt’s room for the first time shaking his head. Glancing around he saw it was dingy but not nearly as dirty as Mello’s room. He could tolerate the stimulus much more here than he ever could in Mello’s room. The window was covered with a black sheet and Matt had a neon fucking sign hanging over it instead. Near had always wondered about the distant glow coming from Matt’s room at night and now he understood why. Matt brushed a few crumbs off of his desk chair and gestured Near towards it, opening a mountain dew. “What do you want?” 

“I understand the position you’re in right now. It must be extremely uncomfortable for you, and I wish to alleviate that discomfort in any way I can. I’m not Mello, but I always considered you a friend of mine. I’m sorry if my relationship with Mello negatively impacts you.” Matt sat quietly for a moment before speaking. 

“I mean, I’ve been in love with him for as long as I can remember us being together, and he never noticed. I just always assumed that he was into girls and now… well, now I think I was just snubbed.” Near waited the proper time to make sure he was done speaking and stood, moving to sit next to him on the bed. 

“I’m genuinely sorry. Mello, I think he does know. I care very much about Mello, and you too. I just want all of us to work as a team and be happy together.” Near didn’t realize that’s what he wanted until it came out of his mouth and was amazed even at himself. Matt lifted off his goggles and started sobbing. Near was taken aback for a moment before he gently took Matt’s hand and patted it. “It will be alright Matt. I’m sure now you can move on, now that you have closure.” Matt nodded and vainly wiped at his eyes. 

“I - it’s just t-that my w-whole life r-revolves around him a-and now I’m n-not going to even be his b-best friend anymore.” Near frowned at that and subconsciously scooted closer to Matt. 

“Matt, in that regard I could never replace you. I’m not nearly emotional enough. You are the perfect model that all best friends should want to be. That seemed to do it; Matt stopped crying and sniffed as he looked at Near pathetically. 

“What do you mean?” Near rolled his eyes on instinct. 

“Obviously what I said. You’re a role model for all best friends. I’m a little jealous actually. I could never do that.” Matt shifted uncomfortably. With his eyes exposed, Near was able to detect guilt in them. 

“I’m not really.” 

“Explain to me how that is the case.” Near was rightfully incredulous; Matt never outwardly acted like a poor friend. 

“Sitting here, with you, all I can think about is one thing and it’s absolutely awful of me.” Near tilted his head. 

“What is that?” Matt brushed Near’s hair out of his eyes, if only for just a second. 

“I want to see how beautiful your eyes are without those silly contacts in. It’s wrong though; those intimate moments aren’t for me. They’re for you and Mello.” Near shifted closer to Matt.

“Fuck that. I’m sure we can work something out.” As if right on cue to ruin whatever mood had been forming, Mello barged into the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Chapter Ten!! I'm not sure if the next chapter will be out nearly as quickly as these two were but I hope so! My creative muse has been fickle and absent recently, so I'm happy she's returned, even if just for a little bit! 
> 
> tumblrs: my-thunderstruck-world & my-thunderstruck-dn-obsession


	11. saturn barz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's short  
> i haven't had much motivation so i thought i'd post what i have and hope my muse kicks my ass into gear soon

“Fuck that. I’m sure we can work something out.” As if right on cue to ruin whatever mood had been forming, Mello barged into the room. Matt jerked his hand away like he’d been stung and Near did his best to appear apathetic. 

“... What’s going on here…?” Matt flinched. 

“Get out. Both of you. I can’t do this -” His voice broke and he snapped his goggles back on. “I can’t. Please, go.” 

Near looked mournful and Mello jealous. “I’m sorry Matt.” Near stayed softly as Mello all but dragged him out of the room. Mello pulled Near back to his room and slammed the door as gently as possible. 

“What the hell Near? Were you trying to make me jealous? Was he trying to hit on you? What just happened there?” Mello wanted to badly to put his fist through the wall but he knew it scared Near, so instead, he scratched up and down the sides of his pants. His sharp nails left little indents in the soft leather and Near winced at the noise.

“Mello please stop that. It hurts my ears…” Mello stopped as soon as Near asked and switched to clenching his fists. “Thank you. I… I believe Matt has feelings for you and me. It seemed fairly obvious even to me…” Near flushed slightly, the faint pink obvious against his deathly pale pallor. “He um, wanted to see my eyes. Without my contacts in. But he said that it was wrong because those are only for you… he was so wistful Mello. So sad. I couldn’t reject him so blatantly when he was in so much pain. I felt it in my chest as much as it would’ve been in his. I hate it.” 

Mello blinked, trying to process the information. Near crept closer and smoothed out Mello’s tense fingers, intertwining their hands. He rubbed small circle’s into the back of Mello's hand with his free right hand. “He loves us.” Near flinched at the sudden noise but nodded regardless.

“He does. Do we love him, Mello?” Near voice wavered but his resolve remained strong. He would bend to Mello’s will this one time. Just this once… 

“Near, I know I do. But what you chose is up to you. I can’t make that decision for you.” Mello cupped the side of Near’s face and he leaned into it, staring the steep angle up at Mello with soft eyes. 

“I do. Where do we go from here?” Mello smiled and kissed the top of his head. 

“I think to Matt’s room.” Near smiled and dragged them back to Matt’s room. 

“Kira, I don’t think this is a good idea. It’ll just start a manhunt for you again.” Kira laughed at L’s worrying frown.

“You worry too much my love.” Light saw L’s frown deepen but Kira wasn’t paying attention. “They loved me in America. I’m sure California will be grateful for someone rounding up those pesky criminals who elude our capture. We kill enough that they understand it’s Kira, then L offers them safety in prison or death at the hand of Kira.” L hesitated.

“The UN, they know who you are. They know I have you with me. Any cooperation puts us on lots of watch lists.” 

“Psh you think I didn’t delete our entries years ago? Matt helped - he wanted out of the public eye as much as possible.” L started; so much information to process. 

“You mean to tell me you directly interferes with international documents and didn’t get caught? The UN has security on par with my own.” Light shrugged. 

“It was easy for us. With my intellect and Matt’s computer skills we didn’t even leave a trace. It would take tracing over a thousand routers to track it back to his old computer, which he got rid of two years after the hack.” The sheer amount Matt must’ve lied to him was absurd. L had no idea about this or even that Light had been able to manipulate him so subtly that he hadn’t realized that he and Matt were committing international treason. L felt almost panic-stricken and struggled to contain it. Kira had the gall to laugh. “What? I was never gone L. I’m a part of Light, he’s just always repressing me. What did you think his nightmares were about? What did you think the momentary looks of panic or the shaking of his head when you hadn’t said anything was about? It was me the whole time. Light hates me, I’m very surprised he never told you.” Light had mentioned this, L had seen the signs, he in all his deductive wisdom had never noticed… 'This might sound kinda nuts, but if Kira ever comes back… kill him. Do whatever it takes to make him die.' L didn’t want to kill Kira. Light was in there, and the only way to bring him back was to shove Kira back into the hole he came in from. But how? Beyond would surely thwart any attempts L made to save Light, so he had to deal with that problem first. Not to mention Kira probably knew that L didn’t want him around by now. For anything to work, L needed to know how to kill a shinigami.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you like it? the boys are sad :((
> 
> tumblr: @my-thunderstruck-world & @my-thunderstruck-dn-obession hmu if you want me to cry about my boys and maybe accidentally spoil something without meaning to (sorry beth)


	12. lipsmack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to clarify, this whole chapter switches perspective multiple times. cheers y'all!

Matt was incredulous. Near and Mello seemed sincere but the past two hours had put him on edge. Their emotions had been all over the place and Matt wasn’t sure that this wasn’t another one of their emotional decisions that would last for maybe two minutes. He told them as much; instead of scoffing they took his concern seriously. “We don’t want to alienate you; you’re as new to this as we are. But Near and I love you, and we want you to be open to love us too.” Matt wanted to believe them, he really did. 

“Maybe we can try it? I don’t want to rush into anything too soon, especially with what’s going on with L and Light right now.” They understood, but of course, they did. They’re Mello and Near. 

The case came back into prime focus, but with Light coming to and fro as he was, the successors couldn’t help but feel as if something was about to change drastically, be it Light, L or them, they couldn’t be sure. The day was uneventful, L merely working on finding Misa and Light shopping and grocery shopping and on and on until Mello couldn’t stand it and had to take a break outside before he broke something in a fit of rage. Near looked confused and Matt explained that chronic shopping sends Mello into a rage because his mother did it all too often and sent Mello’s family into near poverty before she remarried. Her new husband was a piece of shit, but Matt told Near that Mello would tell him about it in time and left it at that. 

They went to bed together, the three of them squeezed onto Matt’s double bed. It was warm but secretly, none of them had ever felt so safe or so loved. 

The next morning Near was gone and Mello was sitting in the window, feet dangling over the ledge with no regard to the height which would have made Near vomit. Matt disliked being left alone but he supposed they had left him out of kindness, not malice. 

Just as Matt was preparing to address Mello’s melancholy attitude, Near raced into the room, skidding on the polished floor. “Light’sgoneIthinkLmightkillsomeoneifwedon’tfindhim.” Matt and Mello raced into action, pulling their emergency gear out from under the bed. Matt worked on locating Light while Mello started contacting airports in case he tried to leave the country. Matt started up his homebrewed tracking software and, while he was waiting for a signal from Light’s phone, began talking to Near. 

“How do we know he’s gone gone? He could’ve just gone for a walk or something.” 

“We’re eight hours ahead of LA. While it’s nine here, it’s only one there; there’s no other reason Light-I-Have-To-Have-My-Beauty-Sleep Yagami would be awake in the middle of the night. Besides, L is certain that he’s gone for good, so we should trust that instinct.” Near was fidgeting, pulling his robot apart and then putting it back together at a rapid pace. 

“Near. It’s going to be okay-” Matt began, but was quickly cut off by the incessant beeping of his computer. He jumped onto the bed and scrambled to pull up the software from the depths of his hundreds of open programs. “Light’s phone is making its rounds on the subway; either Light is being weird as hell or he ditched it there to throw us off of his scent.” Mello groaned. 

“He’s smart, it’s to throw us off. He worked with us for a decade remember? He knows our minds, what our first instinct is going to be. Between his general intelligence and his training under his father and L the man is nearly unstoppable.” The three of them contemplated the empty room for a second before they jumped into action. Matt worked on getting eyes on all flights out of LA but especially the ones headed to Japan. Mello called up a few of their fellow alphabet siblings (those they could certainly trust and who knew Light) and put them on alert. Near calmly walked into their main computer room and began predicting Light’s next moves. 

If he fled to Japan it was almost certain he would make contact with either his family or a former Kira Task Force member, it was just a matter of calculating who. There was also the possibility of him attempting to find Misa, in which case he would’ve had a much larger lead than they did. He knew Misa much more intimately than any of them, plus it would be a huge blow to finding him because L would be out for the count; losing Light would ruin him. Mello raced into the room, interrupting Near’s train of thought. 

“He was at LAX. I was put in touch with the head of security who said that Light contacted him while at the airport. I’m going to speak with him now; apparently Light left something for us.” 

“What, wait, LAX? Are you going to fly all the way to LA and just...leave us without even a proper goodbye? Matt doesn’t need that shit right now.” Near hoped that the _I don’t need that shit_ was heard in there too. 

“Near, I’m going to have to pack. I’ll say goodbye to Matt and you before I leave for good.” Mello placed a chaste kiss on Near’s lips. “I love you dummy. I’ll be back in a few.” 

Near nodded and plotted on how to get Light back after they found him. They’d have to play to his humanity but it wasn’t that simple. Kira thought he was acting out of his own humanity now. Near sighed and stood. There was no point in his thinking until Mello had retrieved the letter. _It MUST be a letter, there would be nothing else that Light would be stupid enough to leave for them. Anything else would easily give away Light’s location but a LETTER…._

Near stepped into the room Matt was in and found him in an obsessive state. He was hunched over his laptop and his fingers were moving at an unprecedented pace. Every misspelling was met with a string of profanity, crude even to Near’s Mello-adjusted ears. Near was worried; if Mello hadn’t dropped his departure on Matt already it was going to hit hard. Near sat next to him and gently pulled his fingers away from the keyboard. Matt swore loudly but the slew stopped as soon as he saw that it was Near. 

“Has Mello told you…?” Matt nodded. “I miss him already and he hasn’t even left yet. Once he takes the smaller jet, it’ll just be the faux passenger left.” Matt laughed. 

“You’re worried about the strangest things. We’ll be fine.” 

“I know that, but still, I worry. If I worry I don’t shut down.” Near admitted it so nonchalantly that Matt was almost afraid he was joking, but the small twinkle that would usually be in his eye was gone, replaced by nothingness. 

“Near… it’s really okay. Mello will come back to us, I promise. LAX isn’t a trap.” Matt had hit the source of the problem, he could tell. 

“Thank you Matt, but, what about you? You’re shaking so badly…” Matt hadn’t even noticed and said as much. “Maybe you should take a break…? We’ll be notified if our agents or the cameras pick up someone with Light’s face.” Near went silent and they waited together for Mello, Matt’s computer occasionally beeping. He smiled softly. 

“No need to look like I’m going to war, I’m just flying to LA, you guys.” Matt and Near cracked smiles. “I’ll miss you both, but I won’t be gone more than five days. It isn’t the end of the world.” Matt shook his head. 

“With Kira on the loose five days is the end of the world! If you discover something Light doesn’t want you to find, then you’ll die! You should let me go in your place, I’m not nearly as much of a threat to him as you are.” Mello groaned. 

“Matt, honey, he was my mentor remember? He wouldn’t, the small part of him that is still Light would view me as family…” Mello trailed off, thinking back to when he first met Light, how much they hated each other… sometimes, those days felt much simpler than the present. “Besides, I should probably check on L, he’s been weirdly silent. Make sure he’s eating, getting at least a little bit of sleep.” Matt was grudgingly silent but Mello knew that he had won this round. Now, he just had to get Near to come around. “Near, it’ll be alright. I can defend myself, and unlike L I’m not in love with Light. I’m in love with you, and in love with Matt. I’ll be okay.” Near pouted and Mello took the opportunity to kiss him. It was chaste but it lasted long enough for Matt to clear his throat. 

“What about me?” Mello laughed and kissed him too. Near tugged Mello’s cross and rolled his eyes. 

“I’m going to miss you. We both will. Get out of here before I cry, Mello.” Mello laughed and kissed both their cheeks. 

“Goodbye to you as well then.” They kept saying their goodbyes and kissing for another ten minutes before Matt shoved him off the bed. 

“Get out of here dude, we have a mission!” Mello laughed, waved, and soon was in the air far away from his loves. 

It was in this moment that Misa and Beyond chose to strike.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who are they attacking? why now? what is it about mello that's off? 
> 
> i changed my tumblr url lmao, sweaterwearinlesbian (main), my-thunderstruck-dn-obsession (dn sideblog)


	13. bad at love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for long updates, i'm currently applying for uni & it's killing me slowly :)   
> stay young my pretties

L was alone, he knew it and knew it well, but he couldn’t help but feel a presence in there - now his - closet. L didn’t scare easy but he was paranoid, so he elected to investigate it with all of the light’s on and a large kitchen knife in his hand. He threw the folding door open and found… nothing. Or so it had appeared; there was a small black notebook in the top left corner of the closet, held there by duct tape. L used his knife to pry it down; the tape didn’t even scratch the surface of the book. He turned it over and read the words ‘Death Note’. Suddenly, he felt dread poke holes in his stomach and realized that Light had left here without the notebook. What did that mean for his safety? Would Misa hurt him (if they met up) if he didn’t have it? He turned around and screamed; Beyond stood behind him, a hundred times more deadly than he had been in life. 

Everything that L knew of Beyond was menacing, even his jam habits. But this… garb, this _appearance_ was worse than Beyond could have ever dreamed to be. But it was him, L knew that. “Well, L, it’s been a while. Has your boner for me gone down at all?” L flinched. His voice was just as brutal as the funeral had been. Light had come with him, L recalled suddenly. _“I don’t know who this guy was to you L but you look like someone smashed your cake so I’m not letting you attend this funeral alone.”_

“Beyond. I watched you be cremated. I assume you actually are a shinigami? You didn’t make up all that stuff about numbers then.” Beyond shook his head and his bones creaked like rusty doors. 

“I would never. I guess your precious Kira left you huh? You really love this guy. Ryuk said he was special but I didn’t realize he was SERIOUS!” Beyond’s laugh sounded like tortured souls screaming for help and L wanted to vomit at the sound. Even broccoli didn’t turn his stomach in the same way. 

“I don’t know a Ryuk and I would prefer if you wouldn’t speak to me about Li - Kira. He’s gone now. How long does he have before he loses his memories?” Beyond shrugged as best he could. 

“I don’t know. I don’t pay attention to the rules of the Death Note.” L dragged himself back into the sitting room and turned on the TV. _Maybe,_ he thought, _he could numb his mind with reality TV_. At that moment, the door to their - _hotel room swung open with a bang. L looked over with little hope, and with good reason. Mello stood in the doorway, leather gleaming and hair greasy. He looked incredibly tired and jetlagged, from his slumped shoulders to his creaking knees._

_Teeth and intentions bared, Mello sauntered into the sitting room and plopped down on the couch next to his mentor. “Light is a right bastard.” L nodded and didn’t move. Mello was the last person he had expected to come here and see him, but L supposed that it was his devotion to Light that made his visit happen. Sometimes he wondered if Mello loved Light._

_“What are you doing here Mello? Light is gone, god knows where and I know you didn’t come to chat with me.” Mello sighed._

_“I came to go after Light. He left something at LAX and I’m going to get it. After I read it I’m going to find him and either make him come to his senses or kill him. Then, I’m going to find that bitch Misa and make sure she burns in hell.” L was disappointed that Mello had such a violent plan but he supposed that it made sense. Light had even asked for L to kill him in the event he became Kira again after all. “But first, I needed to make sure you were okay. You’ve gone radio silent you know.” L nodded._

_“I have. I didn’t want you three worrying about me.” Mello rolled his eyes and L supposed it was warranted._

_“We always worry about you L.” L was silent at that. He never really wanted them to care this much about him. Beyond watched on in the corner as if this was a celebrity drama._

_He cackled again. “Make Mello touch the Death Note, that’ll be really funny.” L wanted to glare at him but currently, he was too busy worrying about Light. What happened to him when Kira took over..?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
>  
> 
> tumblr: sweaterwearinlesbian & my-thunderstruck-dn-obsession (may be changing that soon)   
> come and yell at me about this fic i'd appreciate it


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